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  • 1
    Harps and Angels

    Hasn’t anybody seen me lately
    I’ll tell you why
    Hasn’t anybody seen me lately
    I’ll tell you why
    I caught something made me so sick
    That I thought that I would die
    And I almost did too

    First my knees begin to tremble
    My heart begin to pound
    First my knees begin to tremble
    My heart begin to pound
    It was arrhythmic and out of tune
    I lost my equilibrium
    And fell face down upon the ground

    As I lay there on that cold pavement
    A tear ran down my face
    ’Cause I thought I was dying
    You boys know I’m not a religious man
    But I sent a prayer out just in case
    You never know
    Lo and behold almost immediately
    I had reason to believe my prayer had been heard in a very special place
    ’Cause I heard this sound

    Yes, it was harps and angels
    Harps and angels coming near
    I was too sick to roll over and see them
    But I could hear them singing ever so beautifully in my ear

    Then the sound began to subside
    And they sounded like background singers
    And a voice come down from the heavens above
    It was a voice full of anger from the Old Testament
    And a voice full of love from the New One
    And the street lit up like it was the middle of the day
    And I lay there quiet and listened to what that voice had to say

    He said, “You ain’t been a good man
    You ain’t been a bad man
    But you’ve been pretty bad
    Lucky for you this ain’t your time
    Someone very dear to me has made another clerical error
    And we’re here on a bit of a wild goose chase
    But I want to tell you a few things
    That’ll hold you in good stead when it is your time
    So you better listen close
    I’m only going to say this once

    When they lay you on the table
    Better keep your business clean
    ’Fore they lay you on the table
    Better keep your business clean
    Don’t want no back stabbing, ass grabbing
    You know exactly what I mean
    Alright girls – we’re outta here”

    “Encore. Encore.”
    (He spoke French)
    “Tres bien
    And off they went into the night

    Almost immediately I felt better
    And I come round to see you boys
    ’Cause you know we ain’t living right
    And while it was fresh
    I wanted to tell you what he told me

    He said, “When they lay you on the table
    Better keep your business clean
    When they lay you on the table
    Better keep your business clean
    Else there won’t be no harps and angels coming for you
    It’ll be trombones, kettle drums, pitchforks, and tambourines”

    Sing it like they did for me one time
    Ooooh – yes
    Ooooh – beautiful
    Wish I spoke French

    So actually the main thing about this story is for me
    There really is an afterlife
    And I hope to see all of you there

    Let’s go get a drink

  • 2
    Losing You

    Was a fool with my money
    And I lost every dime
    And the sun stopped shining
    And it rained all the time
    It did set me back some
    But I made it through
    But I’ll never get over losing you

    Do you know how much you mean to me?
    Should’ve told you ’cause it’s true
    I’d get over losing anything
    But I’ll never get over losing you

    When you’re young
    And there’s time
    To forget the past
    You don’t think that you will
    But you do
    But I know that I don’t have time enough
    And I’ll never get over losing you

    I’ve been cold
    I’ve been hungry
    But not for awhile
    I guess most of my dreams have come true
    With it all here around me
    No peace do I fi nd
    ’Cause I’ll never get over losing you
    No, I’ll never get over losing you

  • 3
    Laugh and Be Happy

    I know what’s going on here
    Ain’t no mystery
    Y’all have lost faith in yourselves
    It’s as clear as it can be

    You can whine all you want to
    Drown in your misery
    Or you can listen to me
    Listen to me

    Laugh and be happy
    Don’t you ever wear a frown
    Don’t let the bastards grind you down

    Laugh and be happy
    It’s a simple thing to do
    Believe in your dreams
    And your dreams will come true for you

    There’ll be a red sun shining in a sky so blue
    Blackbirds singing in the trees

    There’s a real silver lining
    Up there for me and you
    Listen to me
    Listen to me

    Now the country that we’re living in
    Happy Immigrants: You mean the good ol’ USA?
    That’s right!
    It’s never been about keeping you out
    It’s about inviting you in and letting you play

    Laugh and be happy
    Don’t you ever wear a frown
    Get right back on your feet
    Whenever they knock you down

    You’ve got to laugh and be happy
    Smile right in their face
    ’Cause pretty soon
    You’re gonna take their place

    They’ll come whack whack whackin’ like old man trouble
    Whacking on your front door
    They try to send you packin’ on the double
    But you ain’t going away no more

    Laugh and be happy
    Don’t you ever wear a frown
    Don’t let the bastards grind you down

    Laugh and be happy
    Now listen to what I say
    Everything’s going to go your way
    You’ll be on top of the world

  • 4
    A Few Words in Defense of Our Country

    I'd like to say a few words
    In defense of our country
    Whose people aren't bad
    Nor are they mean
    Now the leaders we have
    While they're the worst that we've had
    Are hardly the worst
    This poor world has seen

    Take the Caesars for example
    Within the fi rst few of them
    They were sleeping with their sister,
    Stashing little boys in swimming pools
    And burning down the city
    And one of ’em, one of ’em
    Appointed his own horse to be Consul of the Empire
    That’s like vice president or something
    Wait a minute, that’s not a very good example is it?
    But wait, here’s one,
    The Spanish Inquisition
    It put people in a terrible position
    I don’t even like to think about it
    Well sometimes I like to think about it
    Just a few words in defense of our country
    Whose time at the top
    Could be coming to an end
    We don’t want your love
    And respect at this point is pretty much out of
    the question
    But times like these
    We sure could use a friend
    Men who need no introduction
    King Leopold of Belgium, that’s right
    Everyone thinks he’s so great
    Well he owned The Congo and he tore it up too
    He took the diamonds
    He took the silver
    He took the gold
    You know what he left them with?


    A President once said,
    “The only thing we have to fear is fear itself”
    Now, we’re supposed to be afraid
    It’s patriotic in fact and color-coded
    And what are we supposed to be afraid of?
    Why of being afraid
    That’s what terror means, doesn’t it?
    That’s what it used to mean

    You know it kind of pisses me off
    That this Supreme Court is going to outlive me
    A couple of young Italian fellas and a brother on the Court now, too
    But I defy you, anywhere in the world,
    To fi nd me two Italians as tight-assed as the two Italians we got
    And as for the brother, well
    Pluto’s not a planet anymore either

    The end of an Empire is messy at best
    And this Empire is ending
    Like all the rest
    Like the Spanish Armada adrift on the sea
    We’re adrift in the land of the brave and the home of the free


  • 5
    A Piece of the Pie

    Like us all you want the very best of life
    A car, a house, a neighborhood that’s nice
    With fl owers and trees and lots of little kids around
    Where public schools aren’t breeding grounds for vice

    You say you’re working harder than you ever have
    You say you got two jobs and so’s your wife
    Living in the richest country in the world
    Wouldn’t you think you’d have a better life

    If you lived in Norway
    You’d be fi ne right now
    Get sick there
    You make the doctor wait
    If you lived in Belgium
    You could mediate
    (Flemish/French debate)
    Hey knock it off!
    And the French fries are great

    Jesus Christ it stinks here high and low
    The rich are getting richer
    I should know
    While we’re going up
    You’re going down
    And no one gives a shit but Jackson Browne
    Jackson Browne

    There’s a famous saying someone famous said
    As General Motors goes so go we all
    Johnny Cougar’s singing it’s their country now
    He’ll be singing for Toyota by the fall

    That’s not true
    John’s a patriot
    He’s not like you
    He’s a ...

    Jesus Christ it stinks here low and high
    Some get rich
    And others just get by
    Bono’s off in Africa – he’s never around
    The country turns its lonely eyes to who?
    Jackson Browne
    Jackson Browne
    Jackson Browne

    A piece of the pie
    That’s all we’re asking for
    A piece of the pie

  • 7
    Korean Parents

    Kids today got problems
    Like their parents never had
    Neighborhoods are dangerous
    The public schools are bad
    At home there are distractions so irresistible
    The hours fly by
    No work gets done

    Some Jewish kids still trying
    Some white kids trying too
    But millions of real American kids don’t have a clue
    Right here on the lot
    We got the answer
    A product guaranteed to satisfy

    Korean parents for sale
    You say you’re not all that you want to be
    You say you got a bad environment
    Your work at school’s not going well

    Korean parents for sale
    You say you need a little discipline
    Someone to whip you into shape
    They’ll be strict but they’ll be fair

    Look at the numbers
    That’s all I ask
    Who’s at the head of every class?
    You really think they’re smarter than you are
    They just work their asses off
    Their parents make them do it

    Oh, learn to play the violin
    Oh, to turn your homework in right on time

    What a load off your back that will be
    No tears
    No regret
    Never forget who sent Fido to the farm

    The greatest generation
    Your parents aren’t the greatest generation
    So sick of hearing about the greatest generation
    That generation could be you
    So let’s see what you can do
    Korean parents and you

  • 9

    I love women
    Have all my life
    I love my dear mother
    And I love my wife – God bless her
    I even love my teenage daughter
    There’s no accounting for it
    Apparently I don’t care how I’m treated
    My love is unconditional or something

    I’ve been hurt a time or two
    I ain’t gonna lie
    I have my doubts sometimes
    About the ethics of the so-called fairer sex
    Fair about what?
    But I find time goes by
    And one forgives as one forgets
    And one does forget

    God bless the potholes
    Down on memory lane
    God bless the potholes
    Down on memory lane
    Everything that happens to me now
    Is consigned to oblivion by my brain
    I remember my father
    My brother of course
    I remember my mother
    I spoke of her earlier and I remember that
    I remember the smell of cut grass
    And going off to play ball in the morning
    Funny story about that

    Now I used to pitch
    I could get the ball over the plate
    But anyway, this one time
    I must of thrown a football around or something the day before
    I walked about fourteen kids in a row
    Walked off the mound
    Handed the ball to the third baseman
    And just left the field

    Anyway, many years later
    I brought the woman who was to become my second wife–God bless her
    To meet my father for the first time
    They exchanged pleasantries
    I left the room for a moment
    It was the first time he had met her you understand
    When I came back
    He was telling her the story
    Right off the bat
    About how I had walked fourteen kids
    Cried and left the mound

    Next time he met her he told her the same goddamn story!

    God bless the potholes
    Down on memory lane
    God bless the potholes
    Down on memory lane
    I hope some real big ones open up
    And take some of the memories that do remain

  • 8
    Only a Girl

    She’s only a girl
    And her voice is peculiar
    And her eyes are strange
    She’s prone to be willful
    You try to cheer her up some
    But she’s impervious to change

    She’s only a girl
    She dresses in black all of the time
    Wears an orthopedic shoe
    It’s some sort of uglification she’s into

    She’s a hundred and ten
    Maybe five foot five
    She won’t eat meat
    But she’ll eat you alive
    She’s only a girl
    But she’s big time

    She’s only a girl
    And I’ll tell you about her
    At least all that I know
    She’s from South Carolina
    And she came out here
    A few years ago

    She waits on tables
    Works in a bank
    Volunteers at the zoo
    You can tell she ain’t lazy
    But she is very young
    That’s why I called you

    Now that you’ve seen her, what do you think?
    Etc. ...

    Love is blind
    And deaf as well
    But I love this girl
    Can’t you tell?
    She’s only a girl
    And she loves me

    Why would someone
    Beautiful as she
    Love someone old like me
    Maybe it’s the money
    Jeez, I never thought of that

    God damn it

  • 10
    Feels Like Home

    There’s something in your eyes
    Makes me want to lose myself
    Makes me want to lose myself
    In your arms

    There’s something in your voice
    Makes my heart beat fast
    Hope this feeling lasts
    The rest of my life

    If you knew how lonely my life has been
    And how low I’ve felt for so long
    If you knew how I wanted someone
    To come along
    And change my world the way you’ve done

    Feels like home to me
    Feels like home to me
    Feels like I’m all the way back where I come from
    Feels like home to me
    Feels like home to me
    Feels like I’m all the way back where I belong

    A window breaks
    Down a long dark street
    And a siren wails in the night
    But that’s alright ’cause I have you here with me
    And I can almost see
    Through the dark there’s a light

    If you knew
    How much this moment
    Means to me
    And how long I’ve waited for your touch
    If you knew
    How happy you are making me
    I never thought I’d love anyone so much

    Feels like home to me
    Feels like home to me
    Feels like I’m all the way back where I come from
    Feels like home to me
    Feels like home to me
    Feels like I’m all the way back where I belong
    Feels like I’m all the way back where I belong

  • 6
    Easy Street

    Satisfaction guaranteed
    Getting everything you need?
    Hand delivered, quite discreet
    ’Cause you’re on Easy Street
    Any place you want to go
    We’ll call ahead and let them know
    Get you in through the backdoor
    But you get a front row seat

    ’Cause you’re on Easy Street

    All your old friends
    I know you love ’em so
    Gonna break your heart
    But you’re gonna have to let them go
    Your friends up here must be the elite
    You’ll like everyone you meet

    On Easy Street
    Life is sweet
    Accommodations can’t be beat
    On Easy Street

    Easy Street
    Here’s your seat
    Watch the world roll by at your feet
    Don’t look down
    That’s it

    Doesn’t matter if you act a little strange
    Do your worst
    Don’t ever change
    ’Cause no matter what you do
    You think anyone up here is ever going to say no to you?

    That’s it Miss B

    Now you don’t know how you got here
    And how the whole world knows your name
    Forget about it
    Relax enjoy yourself
    Everywhere you go they’re glad you came

    Baby you’re on Easy Street
    Life is sweet
    Let them worship at your feet
    On Easy Street

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